(Editor’s Note: Anonymous Sooner is a United States Marine, former one-off writer at Total Frat Move and is now the official Schooner Blog foreign correspondent. Foreign, as in being farther than Iowa.)
Before I start, yes I know this blog is all about traveling around the big 12 (and possibly the country, because we all know that OU will somehow stumble into the playoffs, and continue to disappoint even without Big Game Bob! yay.)
This article is about what to do when you can’t make it to be disappointed in person! We’ve all been there; you’re in the student section trying to convince someone, who probably hates you, to give you their flask, to help maintain your blackout. On the field, OUr team “who doesn’t lose at home” loses at home. Cue “fire mike stoops chants” (shameless plug for #FireMikeStoops.) Anyways back on track, sometimes you do something stupid and can’t make it to games.
For example, let’s just say you joined the Marines. (lol who would be dumb enough to drop out, and do that.)
Let’s cover some of the situations you may find yourself in as a fan who may be frequently cut off from the world.
You are attending a summer camp with 85 of your new friends. At this summer camp, you have no access to the outside world other than letters (like from the post office, the whole thing is very 3rd world but with less human rights/dignity) The only thing comforting you is the fact that “this is OU’s year!” (funny how the past 10 years have been OUr year but I can’t seem to remember winning the natty?).
Every week you would hear about the game two weeks prior, and every week you would have a moment of happiness knowing that at least OU had won. Then one week in late October you didn’t hear about the game. Certainly, the letter must have been lost in the mail, as the game in question was Red River. You began to run through scenario but just couldn’t figure out how badly we had beaten Texas.
Finally, you are reminded that you are a Sooner fan, and Baker and crew had shockingly (not shockingly) lost. At least you got a “job” at the end of the summer camp! Yay…
You are now a year into your “wonderful” new “job”. Surprisingly, it’s not as fun as it originally sounded. You begin to notice that your job has a terrible habit of making you take “business trips” every fall.
The only fact comforting you as you spend all day
pointing a gun at “helping” foreigners in an exotic location is that OU football NEVER disappoints! Strangely, four weeks into the season OU is 2-2? Certainly, the guy who told everyone scores and records earlier must have been wrong.
Fortunately for you, later that day a helicopter is taking you back to the “yacht” that you and your co-workers are staying on. (just the common perks of your “wonderful” “job”; helicopters, “yachts”, exotic foreign travel, and frequent Saturdays spent with the Boys). When you get back to the yacht, obviously you go straight to the computer to check the scores. (at this point, you remember that there is a grenade in your pocket that definitely should have been turned into the armory so you have to go back across the “yacht”…).
Finally, your turn on the computer search “ESPN NCAA Scores Oklahoma” and wait for the satellite internet to load. 25 minutes later you can confirm that OU is 2-2. Oddly enough, people still claimed that it was OUr year and argued that OU should have been in the playoffs. (full disclosure, “people” is me).
(yay for “helping” people in your totally fun helicopter)
You now spend most of your time working in an office watching drones in *lol you thought I was going to tell* “helping” people. Then your “job” decides that you should take a “business trip” to a desert! (obviously, this occurs mid football season) Prior to your trip, you watched as OU steamrolled the competition including an impressive away win at tOSU! (yo this is OUr year!)
Lucky this “business trip” should only take a few weeks, and looking at the schedule all the games you will miss are going to be cake walks! Through regular updates with the real world, you find out that OU is still rolling through the competition. (can you say longest active win streak?)
Surprisingly enough we struggle against a no-win Baylor, but hey maybe we were a little too relaxed, and Baylor returned a few solid players. Good thing the next game is ISU in Norman, essentially a bye week before Red River! Honestly, you would be surprised if it wasn’t a shutout. (lol #FireMikeStoops)
Looking back after 21 years of life as an OU football fan, you should have known better.
Two days after the game you find out that Baker and fam are now creating new and exciting ways to disappoint! A home loss to a double-digit underdog! yay!! Surely, it is impossible for someone reading this blog to just now find out that we lost at home to ISU, but if you just found out, I’m sorry it had to be like this.
Hey, at least we beat Texas.
If you have made it here to the end of this article: first off, you might be alone because this was flaming shit, and second, i want you to always remember a few important things.
- Never put money on OU against a double-digit underdog (unless we already have our token loss to one that season)
- Never join the Marines.
- Lastly sober, in the desert, in a foreign country is no way to find out about an OU loss. (drunk in the stadium is my preferred method)
Now you have a basic idea as to what it is like to be disappointed by OUr football team even when you are cut off from the world. Hey, there’s always next year! #FireMikeStoops
(P.S. (I know what you are thinking, and fuck you I wrote for TFM so I can use as many parentheses as I want.))